TuringTest(Human+religion)=fail?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 13, 2009 by hypnoticdan

Please follow my logic and tell me where I go wrong.

1. Let’s say you’re chatting online with a person you’ve never met.  If you are convinced they are a real person then – according to the Turing test – the thing on the other end of the conversation must be at least as smart as you, even if it’s a computer.

2. “Chatbots” fail most often because they repeat themselves and cannot learn or adapt.  Say the same thing 50 times and they will respond the same way 50 times.

3. I was having an argument about the existence of god with a person of faith.  The religious person accepted that my arguments were sound but still insisted that god was real and jesus would save his soul.

4. Doesn’t that person fail the turing test?

The Boogeyman

Posted in fiction, horror on February 27, 2009 by hypnoticdan

That afternoon the platoon comes over a ridge and nearly trips over the man sitting in the shade.

The man everyone knows.

The sergeant demands “Who are you?” in arabic.  His accent is terrible.  “Are you him?”  The man smiles and nods.  Suddenly he’s looking down a lot of gun barrels.

He smiles even more, his face as warm and inviting as santa, arms open wide.  His palms are old, and calloused.

“Gentlemen,” (in flawless english), “Look!”

He plays eenie meenie miney mo with the hazy middle distance.  “There.” A rock.  “There.”  A tree.  “Two there.”   Another rock.   “He’s not even trying to hide.” A shadow in another shadow. “And more.  And back the way you came,” he shakes his index at the sky, “and radio jamming.”

“You are alone; gunned; surrounded; with nowhere to hide; and you are silhouetted against the setting sun. Please, give me your weapons.”

“Ah, but if they shoot they’ll hit you, too!” reasons the sergeant.

“That,” says the man, “is why you’ll never win.”

Posted in Uncategorized on February 20, 2009 by hypnoticdan

Know a ponygirl?  Does she need new boots?  How about these babies?

ponygirl bootsfrom http://szymon.tumblr.com/

If comedy were treated like pornography

Posted in fiction, humor on February 11, 2009 by hypnoticdan

Yeah, I seen it all working in this video store. One day, they come in looking for Sam Kinnison and swearing up and down that they’re totally straight and don’t have a single kink.  Some come in once and never return but some… well… they get bored. They start to experiment. Soon it’s Bobcat, then Andrew Dice Clay, and before you know it they’ve worked their way across to the other side of the store and they’re standing behind the curtain with the Blue Collar Tour in one hand and Carrot Top in the other. The other clerks and I keep a pool on how long it takes ‘em to turn to the dark side.

The worst are the guys who ask me what I think is funny, or who want to tell me their favorite bits.  Dude, I make $9/hr.  There is no way in hell I am going to trade limericks with you.  I don’t want to see your quips.  For the love of god, keep your novel where the cops won’t see it.  I don’t come here because I love it and I want to talk shop, I’m a college dropout trying to fix his life.

Oh yeah, fuck you for leaving your laughter spittle all over the discs.  You couldn’t calm down long enough to give it a wipe?  I can see your basement apartment now, covered in drool, used tissues, and cat hair.  I don’t even want to touch your money knowing it’s been in your hands.  This isn’t a jar of personal moisturizer behind the counter, it’s antiseptic.

Next time you want to have a laugh, have some common decency.

Stop it before it metastasizes

Posted in non-fiction, self-improvement with tags , on November 15, 2008 by hypnoticdan

Pet,

I lay in bed for half an hour, unable to sleep.  My mind kept wandering back to that thing at your job today.  You know, the one where you put in all the hard work to do the job right, then some retard undid it all in a few minutes and now you’ll probably end up having to redo it?  At the time you said (I’m paraphrasing here) the only way you could do your job without the stress is to do it without caring.

I’ve tried doing a job where I don’t care.  Long story short, not caring about my job became hating my job became hating myself for being in that job.  It was a downward spiral of feeling stupid and getting even less done, all the while feeling like an idiot and not knowing what to do about it.

I’m not saying quit your job.  I’m saying I think you should report that asshat anonymously.  That guy is a job-love vampire.  At the very least he should apologize for his douchebaggery, and maybe explain why he’s doing a job he clearly hates, too.  Seriously, that kind of mental cancer spreads so easily that he should be put in quarantine – the kind where they cover him in leaded cement and bury him in the desert.

I found a way to love my job again by fixing that which made it feel so stupid.  I hope you can, too.

(k)
D

PS: Can we take it easy with the ‘Can I has Cheeseburger’ talk?  It makes the grammar teacher in my head go crazy.

Words I never thought I’d write: ‘Tentacle Dildo’

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 26, 2008 by hypnoticdan

Seriously, who doesn’t need a glow-in-the-dark tentacle dildo?

From Eden Fantasys

You laugh, you lose.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 13, 2008 by hypnoticdan

Your assigment for the week

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 13, 2008 by hypnoticdan

This week is lactose free week!  No cow cheese, no cow milk.  No cow byproduct except leather.

Lunch

Posted in fiction with tags , , on October 6, 2008 by hypnoticdan

They meed in the food court.  They eat and make polite small talk.  Afterwards, he takes leads her into the service corridor where her heels echo like like the ticking of some giant clock counting down to her defilement.  Suddenly he stops outside the men’s washroom.  She’s just about to let her guard down when suddenly there’s a hand on her elbow and she’s being pushed inside!

The lighting is stark and unfriendly on the beige tile work.  The colors are grey and urinals just seem… alien.  Not to mention disgusting.  He pauses and looks at them thoughtfully.  Her mind to flash images of being tied there, used, fucked on the counter – and he continues on, taking her to and then through the last door, the handicap stall.

His voice is soft, quiet, and deep.  “Face the wall.  Hands up.  Did you follow my instructions?”

“Y-yes.  Sir.  black platform heels, seamed stay-up stockings, long coat, earings, collar, no makeup.”

“Really… then what’s this purse doing here?”

She squeaks but knows better than to turn around.  “I didn’t think – I did it out of habit!”

“Is that your justification, you’re a mindless robot?  Try again.”

“You didn’t say I couldn’t carry anything?”

“Hmm… well, technically I suppose that’s true.”

She feels him standing behind her, feels his hips pressing into hers.  She is at once terrified of discovery, excited by her nudity, and proud of the hard bulge pressed into the cleft of her ass.  Slowly, inexorably, he undoes her buttons.  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.  “Lower your hands.”  She does, and he hangs the coat and purse on door hook.  “Resume the position.”  He coos and murmurs words of approval as his hands trace up her legs, over her buttocks, nails dragging gently up her back… One hand grips her hair and pulls back hard and she stifles a moan as the other hand around and down, down, down to her core and rubs her gently.  Suddenly she realizes that she’s rocking her hips and tilting her pelvis.  Her body cries More, more! but she knows, her body is a traitor and he knows how to read it like an open book.  Why isn’t her blush setting off the fire alarm?  Stop moving, stop grinding, just hold still and maybe this time he’ll go to far and give her -

The hands pull away.  She bites her lip and screams inside.  It’s so unfair!  It was just a purse!  It was -

His hands are on her hips again, but now she can tell something’s different.  Something hard.  Something lubed.  Something pressing into her ass.  Her head drops and her mouth opens as her sphincter is violated.  Her legs turn to jelly. Reality collapses into distinct points: the tile pressed against her hands and moist forehead, her aching nipples, her aching center, and the terrible, wonderful stuffed feeling.  Still he presses onward.  He knows it hurts, knows he should back out, lube more, take his time but time is against them and this is not for pleasure of the flesh, this is an exercise in control.  Surely this, THIS is her punishment.  Tears well up in her eyes and she gasps as he finally bottoms out, balls pressing against her vulva.  He leans over and down until she can feel his breath on the back of her neck.  For a moment, they are motionless, an epic tableau of pornography, and then he says one word.

“Cum.”

The universe explodes in waves, the stars give birth, creatures crawl from the sea.  They pet black alien monoliths, invent fire, discover love and then she is back in her own body and moaning into his hand.  She can feel him smile behind her.  “Careful, now.”  As gently as he can, he extracts himself and removes the now spent condom. Gently she cleans him with a moist towlette from her purse.  Their eyes meet and she smiles.  She’s thinking “aren’t you glad I brought my purse now?” but he misconstrues it as “What have you got planned next, big boy?”.

“Up against the wall again.”  Eagerly, she complies.  Her punishment is at an end, now the fun can start!  “Close your eyes.  When I go out this door, count to forty – slowly – then open your eyes and come find me just outside the washroom.  Don’t clean yourself until you get back to work.”  “Yessir.”

His clothes rustle as he tucks himself in.  The door lock chik-chaks.  He washes his hands and gets paper towel.  He says “Oh!  Sorry.  You first,” to someone coming in, and then he’s gone and she’s only up to 26.  It occurs to her that she’s in a men’s washroom in a pose that screams “hungry slut free for all” and the stall door is unlocked.  28. 29. 30.  Never has the sound of a man grunting and urinating ever sounded so good.  Calmly she counts off the last 10, then opens her eyes and turns around.

That son of a bitch!

The coathook is empty.

Please discipline codegirl and make her code very difficult AJAX

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on September 27, 2008 by hypnoticdan

I have needs at work like all of us girls do. For me, I don’t want to be a girl dropped into the coding pit to be awed and then broken by Senior PHP engineers wielding grim and terrible caching weapons. Rails engineers by the thousands marching, marching against everyone, on every border while I draw well water shot through with ponderings of the scalability issues with PHP, and how for form to exist in our physical universe it must be have a name. If matter or a form cannot be named, it cannot exist.

I don’t want to fight sexy ATG boys about AJAX performance within droplets, I don’t want to bicker in the morning concerning why JQuery is the proper and correct framework, all the time everytime. It’s ok. I love you guys. I do. I worship you Warcraft playing, contract working, hordes of luscious web men. I know what you love. I want to be there for you.

I will code the HTML you don’t want to. It’s ok. I don’t mind. I like it. I will code it handcuffed if you want. It’s ok. If I’m too slow, or if you check and my adhering to standards is inappropriate or my fumbling, adolescent understanding of the finer point of JSON infuriate you, you can tear my stockings. They were expensive, and I bought them for work. They were my only pair. I am a humble code girl.

Do you need me to do the Apache configs? Ok. I will. I will do anything. I will wear backseam black stockings and rack servers for you. I will wear long skirts and ballet flats and sit close to you and put Arby’s sauce on your Roast Beef. I will eat what you order for me.

What makes codegirl the most happy is working in the service of many codeboys at once. A studio full of codeboys are always in need of support to keep them at their best. You need fruit. You need soda. You need me to cook for codeboys each day for lunch Naked.

I want to learn lots about coding. I secretly want to overtake codeboys and steal their knowledge, but the deep training and sensitivity of codeboys make it impossible to deceive them. They know. So, I must answer phones at times, or take care of office chores. They know I don’t like it. I do a good job, but they must discipline me to make me strong.

Codegirl can come to your office.

From: San Francisco Craig’s list: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/res/846606372.html