Skytrain Party!

So tonight was a “Skytrain party”.  Everyone was told to meet up at a particular Skytrain station (an elevated train) at a particular time and bring a haloween costume.  The damn thing didn’t have enough cars and we were packed in like sardines.  We rode for nearly an hour, making jokes and complaining about how packed it was.  When we reached our destination Death was supposed to lead us to the party location.  The party location was outside.  In October.  I could see my breath and there were girls in hotpants!  So badly planned.

Anyways, my story tonight is not about the party.  It’s about after that.  See, a number of us decided to go to the nearest watering hole and tie a few on.  We know it well because we used to go there weekly as part of the weekly couchsurfing.com meetings I instigated here in Vancouver.  After that we went back, saw the party had (obviously) died, and went our respective ways.  At one point on the journey home a girl shot a cap gun at me and I fell over dead.  I hit the floor so hard she thought she’d actually hurt me.  Ha ha?  ha ha.  Some time later I stood around waiting for a bus and trading terrible jokes with total strangers.  “What’s the best thing abotu twenty eight year olds?  There’s 20 of them!”

So we’re on the overcrowded bus and an asian girl sat down next to me.  She had grey sweatpants on, covered in writing.

“Have you got a marker?” I ask, “I’ve been thinking of all kinds of things to contribute.”

Her boyfriend said something nasty I didn’t actually catch.

“Oh, relax,” I waved him off, “I’m just kidding.”

He said something like You Better Be.  I laughed, long and hard.  “Do you have any idea how insecure you sound?”  I didn’t even dignify him with direct eye contact.  I was so ready to kick his ass.  I spent the next three stops ignoring him and laughing to myself.  He and his posse got off without provoking me.  (Maybe he was smarter than he looked.)

A voice behind me suggested “you should have kept joking with her.”  I turned around.  “He was giving you the nastiest looks.”  “Like I care?”  “Dude, I was so ready to join in.”

“It’s true,” his girl said, “He’s been dying for a fight all night.”  I was thinking that he could have said that BEFORE they got off instead of playing it safe.  Still, I gave him a smile.  Unlike the asian kid, I’m not going to reveal my weaknesses so easily.

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

[my response]

Dear Troubled User,

Unfortunately you are running a closed-source application. Like many closed source apps this one has DRM (Dicking Rights Management) built in at its core. This means that you can try to install things like jewelry 5 and DRM will leave you wondering what you spent your money on. Wife 1.0 will end up costing you time, money, and leave you feeling frustrated.

Consider instead an open-source choice like KinkySub 2.16.3. Open source means that you can learn what is really going on “under the hood” and it doesn’t come with DRM. You can still run all the same programs that you ran on the closed-source Wife 1.0 except now you find that you probably have a much higher level of satisfaction. Also there’s a growing and dedicated community of developers working on such apps as Flogging 3.0, CornerTime 1.26, GoodGirlReward 1.8.1, and the award winning MeltingLook 5. Not only have these apps been made to work with Wife 1.0, they’ll probably run on HubbyOS, Office Affair distributed work clusters, and even the BoyToy handheld gaming platform.  KinkySub also supports a “hands-on” user interface and – if you study the manuals and massage the config files just right – KinkySub can be made to work with more than one users at once.  Worth the effort of becoming an advanced user, if you ask me!  KinkySub is available all over, for free, provided you can figure out how to install it and make it yours.  The major drawback to KinkySub is that you have to deal with the “command line” most of the time which can require knowing strange jargon like

unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; yes ; fsck ; umount ; sleep

The learning curve is a little steep at first. The good news is that once you become accustomed to the command line you can improve the performance of KinkySub until it far outshines Wife 1.0.

Sincerely,

Tech Support.

Take the time to let them know you’re thinking of them.

I’m sorry, darling.  Truly, I am.  That we have not played together lately breaks my heart and makes my palms itch for the leather of my whip and the rosy warm welts on your bottom.  I have been working harder and harder these days to pay the bills and there really is no excuse for my lax behaviour.  Know this:  I have been thinking of you every day.  I simply haven’t organized myself well enough to be able to take the time and show you my appreciation for all your good behavior.

Beer Coaster Poetry

Another couchsurfing meet, another excuse for me to trot out my odd behaviour.  This week it was beer coaster poetry.  Some fine examples, in no particular order, not including those that people refused to return:

• “Your metal piercings are stars on the black void of you dress, each worshiping the full pale moon of your face.  You make wolves like me want to howl.”
• (side A) Kiss here!  (side B) I wish this was my junk.  (picture of penis/vagina)
• If I spend any more time with you I’ll have to buy heard damage insurance, and I know the premiums will be bad because I’m a high-risk candidate.
• You’re the one I always wanted to find.  What took you so long?
• Connie, Connie, Connie, Connie.  That’s four times more sexy awesome than I can handle.
• You’re incredibly pushy and yet I find it doesn’t turn me away.  You’re like a bad drug addiction.  There is no 12 step program for how I feel about you.  I hope there never is.
• I can’t draw your face.  No camera will ever capture your essence.  What you are cannot be described using only a fraction of time and merely two dimensions.
• roWr! (picture of smiley face with pointy teeth)
• Actually, I just want to jump your skin.  I imagine it’ll be a lot more fun than your bones. (picture of a skull)

R-e-s-p-e-c-t

I’m making all kinds of pained faces as I try to find the way to write this…

I believe that a person who doesn’t respect themselves is also incapable of respecting others.  Cowtowing, maybe.  Worshiping, maybe.  Respecting?  ….No.  Which brings us to the issue of your current level of fitness.  I’m not going to waste my time asking you why or berating you for it – the entire world has done that job long before I brought the subject up.  All I am going to say is this:  I want you to get in shape.  First, I want you to do it for you and, second, I want you to do it for me.  We will both love it as you drop dress sizes and get that flat stomach and toned thighs you always wanted.  I don’t care about stretch marks.  I care about your silhouette.  I care about having you around for all those years a less healthy person wouldn’t have.  I care that you have the necessary mental discipline – if you can make yourself keep in shape then you can stand firm when I am wrong, you can be a good mother, and you can (probably) withstand whatever crazy-ass limit pushing scheme I come up with.  There.  I said my piece.  Your move.